16 July 2006

snice

I think in some ways I've been on autopilot since graduation. I haven't really let myself think too much about what's going on, about the idea that I have to grow up and decide what to do with my life. Graduation was a blur, and moving into my first apartment just sort of happened. I decided not to buy any cigarettes until I got a job, but I haven't bought a pack since I moved to New York, and I smoke maybe once a week if I happen to see James. I have a real job! That's completely insane to me. All of these serious things have happened, and I've avoided thinking about the implications of any of it at all costs. It's probably entirely necessary; I'm nervous enough about making rent without worrying about what I'm going to do with the rest of my life.

But I think that's starting to change; I think the fog is starting to lift. I know I'm starting to get a handle on work, and I'm starting to feel like I've got my life under control. I cancelled a credit card on Saturday; I think my boss is starting to trust me more. I'm absolutely happy with my research assistant job. My life is starting to calm down, and I'm starting to get into a rhythm.

And today, I went to the Cloisters, and I was happy. I was calm and happy for two hour straight, and I remembered why I'm working so hard. Every time I go to the Cloisters, I have to remind myself that I'm not in Europe. I felt like that today as soon as I got out of the subway, and everything fell into place. I'm working so hard because I want to get my student loans under control and feel stable financially so I can afford to live in Europe for a year before I go back to graduate school. I know what I want to do with my life, or at least the next few years, and it's that. I want to work as much as I can for the next two years, save a lot of money and pay off as much debt as I can. I want to teach English in Europe for at least a year and travel as much as possible. I want to go back to school after that, in Europe or in the United States. After that it's a little blurry, but I'm okay with that.

I'm not going to lie; I'm still wicked anxious about my job. But I can tell that I'm getting better, and I know now that working there is a means to an end, not in end in itself. I'm going to learn a lot and make some money doing it and hopefully come away with another good reference; but this job isn't my life. My life is... I'm not sure that I know what that is, but I feel like I'm closer to understanding that today.

In conclusion, the Cloisters and Fort Tryon park are my favorite places in the city.

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