peaches is terrified

peaches is terrified
Originally uploaded by marinatina.

peaches looks how i feel. my job is really very fun, but i am completely out of my element and so very lost most of the time and mostly i'm terrified all of the time.

but i like it. and i paid for rent all by myself. and i'm slowly making fewer mistakes, which is nice.

and after my 10 hour shift tomorrow, i don't have to work again until next wednesday. sunday is my birthday; first one away from home, which i'm trying not to think about.

i'm going crazy

i'm going crazy
Originally uploaded by marinatina.

So it's been awhile. "It has" is probably more grammatically correct. Is "it's" an acceptable contraction for "it has" or is it only a contraction of "it is?" Okay, I'm getting off track. As you can see by the photo at right, I'm not doing so good at the focusing today--it took me a little too long to remember that I stuck my pen in my ponytail. Still a mystery is why I stuck my pen in my ponytail. I mean.. why?

Okay. Off track again. Yeah, I basically have four jobs, so I've been, uh... kind of busy. And... I've begun to think that I'm using most of my... what's it called... concentration and focus while, you know... doing the... jobs that I do...

Okay. Focus. So. I have four jobs. Two of them pay money, one of them pays me in radishes and strawberries (and maybe some eggs next week!), and one of them pays me in I get to hang out with my favorite professor in the world and learn about medieval Europe.

Yeah, so basically, everything is really going okay, I think. I still don't really feel comfortable at the new job; most of the time, I'm sort of afraid someone's going to notice that I have no idea what I'm doing. I'm fairly sure that I'll either figure out what I'm doing or figure out how to more effectively fake it by mid-July at the latest. I'm sort of looking forward to going to work tomorrow, which is surprising but fairly cool.

I feel like my life is sort of surprising but fairly cool, to be incredibly cheesy.

it's coming from inside the house!

I'm writing this on the computer that they gave me at the job that is frightening and awesome and I have a MacBook!

My life is really quite lovely right now.

I'm going to go find something to wear to work tomorrow.

the mystery is solved

I have a job, I have a job, I have a job! I will officially be giddy for at least a week, because I have a job!

I'll be able to pay rent for June and July! And if this jobs works out I'll be able to pay rent and student loan payments and credit card payments and I'll even be able to buy food and beer!

I am so incredibly happy right now.

I have a job! I have a job and an apartment that I love and a roommate that I love and a kitten that's scared of me but still lovable and soon I'll have a bike helmet!

I am off to do a little happy dance.

sunkist orange soda

Now that I’ve shamed Kira into reading this, I would like to state for the record that she is lovely and talented and the best roommate a girl could have. Not only does she own many DVDs, she has a TV and DVD player on which to view them. Also, it’s way more fun walking to Fairway and the Laundromat with her than alone. Also also, remember all those possibilities that I’ve been talking about? She listens to me constantly obsess over them with nary a complaint.

In other news, I’m still waiting on news. Things look both much better and much worse, or at least much scarier, with each passing day. I’m sick of writing this lame mysterious crap, but I’m superisingly superstitious and I refuse to risk jinxing myself because I really honestly care about… whatever it is that I’m writing about.

I guess it’s probably not surprising that I’m superstitious. Ice hockey goalies are absolutely ridiculous with the rituals and the habits and the ‘must not touch the lines on the rink’ and the ‘have to hit the posts three times before the puck drops’ or the ‘must do the exact same warm-up as last time or I’ll let in six goals and everyone will hate me.’ You know, like that. Anyone who willingly stands in the way of small discs of rubber shot at very fast speeds is clearly insane.

I really miss playing hockey…

Also, Kira and I are going to ridiculous lengths to get two kittens tonight, so there’s something to look forward to. This “blog” is going to be all cats, all the time.

Obviously this “blog” is not about smooth transitions between disparate topics.

wtf

A girl yelled at me today in Duane Reade. I’m unclear on exactly why. She was standing in the middle of the aisle, wearing headphones, so I said “excuse me” as I walked past her. I was at the end of the aisle when she started asking me what I said and why I was talking to her when I didn’t know her. I sort of stood there, trying to figure out what the hell was going on, so then she said “that’s right, walk away now,” which I did. I was too confused to argue with her, and also I’m fairly sure she could’ve kicked my ass, and I refuse to get my ass kicked unless I know exactly why it’s happening.

whiskey is my friend

Haven't had a cigarette since last Sunday, haven't missed a day writing here since... I'm too lazy to check.

Today was another stellar day, but that's all I can say for now. Dammit, I keep tempting fate by talking about it at all.

Whatever happens, at least the past two days have done a lot for my confidence, and it's looking very likely that I'll have time to work with my favorite professor in the entire world. I should think of a shorter way to say that...

I'm more hopeful about the immediate future than I was right after graduation. I'm a little amazed by that because so many things are up in the air. Almost nothing is certain about how I'm going to spend the rest of my summer and the rest of the year. There are a lot of really interesting possibilities that may turn into opportunities, which would be reason to be hopeful to most normal people. I am... not, so generally being in a position where there are a lot of possibilities that might work out or might not would make me crazy because I hate waiting more than anything in the world. I also took that whole "hope for the best, prepare for the worst" to mean "prepare for the worst by talking yourself out of any hope that the best could ever happen," which is both unhealthy and a hard habit to break.

But the point of this is that I have broken it, at least a little. I have no idea what I'll be doing a month, and I'm okay with that, aside from a low level of concern over how I'm going to pay rent (uh, Mom, if you're reading this, I love you so much, and also I haven't had a cigarette for over a week). That's really exciting to me. I feel like there are a lot of possibilities in my life right now, personal and professional (doesn't that sound pretentious), and I'm somewhat confident that I'll be patient enough to let things happen rather than worrying myself an ulcer. So. Yes. This has been a good week so far.

In other news, Kira and I are drinking. I'll leave you with a little of that Kira wisdom, even though Kira is a horrible roommate and friend who refuses to read my blog.

"If I hide my slacking, I just might get a raise."
[five minutes later]
"I'm gonna drink more liquor. I should bring a flask to work."

"If I were ever to quit. That would be the way to go--drunk."

ooh baby

Today was a really good day. The part that I can talk about--my favorite professor in the entire world is going to let me be her research assistant. I have to figure out whether or not my WWI internship is actually mine, but I don't care. I'll find time to work for her. I don't even care, I'll do whatever I have to. She's so freaking cool, you don't even understand.

I can't jinx anything else, but I'll have news, good or bad, by the end of the week. Of course, now that I've mentioned it, it's going to be bad news. Goddammit.

If you really loved me, you'd buy me a bike helmet. I want to ride my bike, even though I'm sort of terrified that I'll hurt myself. I don't think I'm coordinated enough for a racing bike. I used to be, back when I played the sports, but it's been a long time since I was a varsity athlete.

Kira lent me The Best American Nonrequired Reading and while I hear Dave Eggers is a pretentious douchebag, Viggo Mortenson wrote the introduction, and anything that Aragorn is involved with is clearly awesome. Uh I think my nerdiness is showing.

More later on the booky book. And other things. I am mysterious today. Well, everyday really.

bells and whistles

Just in case you've been dying to see new, pretty pictures (especially if you're dying to see new, pretty pictures of cats), I updated my flickr.com page. You should check it. I mean, why not?

In other news, the following things made me cry last night--

At least four different scenes in In Her Shoes, which some might call an underappreciated screen gem, if by some you mean “people who like touching yet formulaic movies”

The end of a particularly touching episode of Sports Night, which is actually an underappreciated TV show, or rather, was underappreciated until it was prematurely cancelled


I'm not really sure why. I'm probably going crazy. I'm on the last disc of the Sports Night boxed set, so I'm going to go watch more of it. I really wish it had gone on for more seasons.

There are other more important things going on, but I can't talk about them yet. Probably by tomorrow night I'll know something more.

i just don't know what to do with myself

It seems like just yesterday that I was at the lab for 10 hours, but yesterday was the eight hour shift. It was a whole week ago that I got to sit here for more than half of my waking hours.

That makes it sound like I hate my job when really I'd give anything to be hired for the full-time position that's opening up on Monday. I'm applying for that shit Monday morning. Here's the rough draft of my cover letter:

Dear Sir or Madam,

I've been doing this job for the past two years. Please hire me full-time. I need health benefits.

Sincerely,
marinatina

I should probably flesh it out a little...

I was supposed to be doing website testing today, but the server is down or something. I'd say more, but I agreed to a non-disclosure agreement that I didn't technically read, so I wouldn't want to inadvertantly expose myself to a lawsuit. Hehe, "expose myself."

I watched Grizzly Manlast night, and I came to two conclusions--Werner Herzog has an awesome accent, and Timothy Treadwell was fucking insane. It was an interesting movie, and I'd watch it again, for the views of Alaska if nothing else, but Timothy Treadwell was fucking insane.

For some reason, the pictures won't show up when I use Amazon.com links. I guess I should probably figure out why not.